Dating Someone With Narcissistic Traits: 5 Lessons You Should Know
Do you want to know the hardest thing about dating a narcissist? It’s that you typically have no idea you’re dating one. Additionally, people often only exhibit some narcissistic traits, so they will also have wonderful and redeeming qualities too. After all, our definitions of what constitutes “a good person” and “a bad person” have range. And narcissists fall into a weird gray area. They have “good” and “bad” traits. And, honestly, some of the most charming and successful individuals are narcissists.
However, there’s no denying the negative side of dating a narcissistic person. Doing so can be detrimental to your self-confidence, self-esteem, and reputation (narcissists do like to paint you in a bad light).
So, what do you do if you think you’re dating someone with narcissistic traits? Here are the 5 lessons I’ve gathered after sitting down and speaking to women who have dated narcissistic men.
Common Narcissistic Traits
The internet has grabbed onto the topic of narcissism, so it’s a good idea to learn common narcissistic traits from people who have dated a narcissist too. There’s so much information out there it can be overwhelming. And to be honest, it’s more nuanced than you think. Narcissistic individuals are often good-looking, charming, ambitious, and successful people. And, narcissists aren’t “bad people”, often these traits stem from unresolved childhood trauma.
Nevertheless, even though I can see the good in narcissists, there is no denying their negative traits, which can be quite harmful. These include the following:
Lack of Empathy
A lack of empathy stems from being unable to express compassion and put yourself in another person’s shoes. Instead of being able to empathize and understand their partner’s perspective and feelings, a narcissistic person will diminish those feelings. A perfect example of a lack of empathy is finding out your partner is emotionally cheating on you only to have them get angry at you (this also falls into gaslighting as well - see below)! Responses like, “Well we got together so soon, and I still had feelings for her, what’d you expect?” or getting upset with you and starting an argument because you’re hurt.
Here are some other phrases women I polled heard while dating their narcissistic exes:
“I’m not responsible for your feelings”
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
“I never did that”
“That’s not what happened”
Additional behavior includes running away during a conflict, getting defensive and frustrated, shutting down, and being unable to see their partner’s side of a story/perspective.
Gaslighting
Someone with narcissistic traits won’t be able to see your side of the story and will try to diminish or dismiss your feelings, needs, and point of view by gaslighting.
An example of this would be a narcissist blaming someone after provoking them or hurting them. Here’s a great example, “I wouldn’t have gotten so angry if you hadn’t provoked me/made me upset.”
Another example is withholding, where the narcissist refuses to listen to their partner or pretends not to understand their perspective. Trivializing feelings may also happen - that’s when the narcissist invalidates your feelings or dismisses them and tells you “you’re being too sensitive.”
Need for Excessive Admiration
A need for excessive admiration as a trait can be best described by what narcissists don’t like: anything that makes them feel less than. Someone with narcissistic traits will not be able to handle feedback, requests, or boundaries.
For example, my client’s ex-clients would give him honest feedback about how he could improve his work, and he’d get upset. She’d put in a request, and he’d get upset. She’d give him feedback in a loving manner, sharing what he did to hurt her feelings, and he’d get defensive and shut down.
Manipulative Behavior
Manipulative behavior might look like love bombing or overgiving and committing very early on at the beginning of a relationship. This could look like someone wanting to spend time with you nonstop very early on, showering you with gifts, and admiration.
It might also look like denying your reality and not caring about your feelings. It also looks like an inability to take ownership of certain behaviors and apologize. This could also look like needing to blame you for what’s going on in the relationship, but not being able to admit their faults.
Top 5 Lessons Women Have to Share About Dating a Narcissist
1. Loyalty Isn’t Love
Loyalty isn’t love - and that’s perhaps one of the hardest lessons the women I polled learned after dating a narcissist. Just because you love someone, and would do pretty much anything to make that relationship work, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. One of the hardest lessons these women had to learn was that they needed to stop being loyal to someone who was hurting them so much.
2. Your Feelings, Needs, and Boundaries Matter
If someone gets upset when you express a need, want, desire, or boundary, this is a red flag. If they can’t listen to you express feedback or requests without getting defensive, running away, or denying your reality, you’re dealing with someone with narcissistic traits.
Now, someone who gets defensive sometimes, but is aware of it and actively working on it in therapy, that’s a green flag. However, someone who just can’t see another person’s perspective is exhibiting narcissism. And someone who doesn’t care about your needs or requests is more interested in themselves than making sure you have a beautiful, dynamic relationship based on love and mutual respect.
3. It May Take You a While to Understand You’re Dating a Narcissist
One thing that the women I spoke to shared that was difficult for them was knowing their exes had narcissistic traits. They just loved their exes so much, so whenever they had their reality put into question or their feelings invalidated, they’d gaslight themselves a bit. This wrecked their self-esteem and ability to trust their intuition.
If your intuition is poking you and telling you the person you’re dating is gaslighting you, they most likely are. If someone you’re dating can’t apologize, can’t see your perspective, or just doesn’t want to listen to your needs, wants, or boundaries, then they aren’t for you. You deserve someone who loves meeting your needs because they love to see you happy. You deserve someone who would hate to see you cry, apologize for their part, and make it better through action. You deserve someone who cares about you and not just themselves.
4. A Narcissist Will Try and Turn As Many People As They Can Against You
Part of being a narcissist is being prideful. So, you can imagine after a breakup, how much someone like that wants to turn as many people as they can against you. You will probably lose friends and have to be okay with the fact that people you used to be friends with won’t like you. Those people are not true friends. This is a hard lesson to learn, so if you need any kind of support, please reach out to your therapist.
5. You Have to Choose to Go High with Grace
Like Michelle Obama said, “When they go low, we go high”. If your ex is choosing to disrespect you, turn people against you, manipulate you, or gaslight you, you have to choose the high road. And while this isn’t the easy road, it is the road that will protect you. While it’s not always enjoyable to go high when someone is disrespecting you, at the end of the day you know in your heart who you are. And that’s walking away from a relationship that doesn’t serve you. What better way to do that than by not giving that person any of your attention or valuable energy?
Conclusion: You Owe it To Yourself to Get Out of a Narcissistic Relationship
You owe it to yourself to pull yourself out of a narcissistic relationship. While it may be difficult, painful, and lonely, you deserve to be with someone who cherishes you. Lean into self-love, remember your wants, needs, requests, and boundaries matter, trust your intuition, and leave with your head held high. You deserve a beautiful, multifaceted, loving relationship.
If you’re looking to work on the energetics of love and dating, get in touch with us today. We provide supportive 1:1 coaching.